Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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