i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
