I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
