First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
