a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
