Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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