So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
