I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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