I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
