new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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