just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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