that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
