i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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