He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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