Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize