I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
