Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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