Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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