i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Randomize
