i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You have to summon your inner elephant
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
