he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Sorry about my life...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
