I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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