Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
