Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
