my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
