Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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