She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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