...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
