At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
