I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Vodka?
Forever.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize