Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
