New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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