And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
