I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
