I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
