Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Rumble strips road head = magical
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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