I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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