I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
