Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize