I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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