I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
