I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
