My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
