Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
