i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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