He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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