he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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