i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
