Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
