tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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