When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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