her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
