Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
