chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
