Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
