I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
