i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize